After Rose Left
by etyorkshirelass
Summary: This is the Doctor's POV after Rose was taken to the alternate universe in Doomsday. Almost like a Diary entry. May be a little lemony in later chapters, I haven't decided yet! May be other POVs too. May change rating if needed later! Ten and Rose ish
1. What do I do now?

Hi. Just a quick note. This is my first fanfic, and the idea just hit me a couple of days ago. Stuff the fact that I have my A2s in a matter of weeks, this is more important!!

This is from the Doctor's point of view. It might be a little out of character, but I have tried to keep it as true to him as possible. This starts after Donna leaves (in the Christmas special). Rose has disappeared for good, and its almost like a diary entry.

I hope you like it :)

* * *

What do I do now?

I hadn't had time to think since Rose left, what with all the fuss with Donna. Also, it took me a while to figure out how to speak to Rose for one last time, which almost made it worse. At least I was actively seeking something. But now, since I've had time to think, it hit me. She's gone.

. . . . .

I think I must have passed out. Not something that happens to me very often let me tell you. I awoke to find myself slumped in the chair next to the console, where she would sit while I dashed around fiddling with the controls. Of course, all my intelligent alterations were only to impress her.

She would sit here and laugh at my inane jokes, poke fun at my rambling, ask amazingly intelligent questions, all the while radiating this beauty that I couldn't seem to place. Her scent still lingered here, that combination of the shampoo she used, and the washing powder that we did our laundry with, and that something that was simply her essence. It always smelt like home to me.

It hit me, a few weeks ago, just what that beauty was that she exuded. When we were stuck in orbit around the black hole, with the TARDIS seemingly lost forever, we were talking about having to settle down. I don't know what I said, but she just lit up at the words, and I realised what it was. She loved me. No, loves me, present tense.

See, she was genuinely happy that maybe we would have to live out the rest of our lives together, with a mortgage and jobs and every other boring day to day thing that we skip over. I didn't tell her outright that I wanted to be with her, but I think she knew that I couldn't leave her.

So when I did, and I flung myself down the Pit, I almost told her. I should have told her. But would it have made a difference? Would she have accepted me as more than just a mad friend who took her through time and space? Would she have allowed me at long last into the room she so secretly cherished, the one space in the TARDIS where I wasn't allowed to go? Would she have poured out her heart to me, loved me completely and irrevocably as I do her? I don't know.

. . . . .

Thinking of her room, maybe I should go there. Maybe the TARDIS will let me in, as it barricaded me from entering once I gave it to her. She's funny like that, my ship; I wonder if she knew that I would sneak in just to watch her sleep if I could only enter. But the door wouldn't open at my touch as all other doors did; it always seemed locked even when I knew it couldn't possibly be.

I found myself walking there, almost stumbling along the corridors in my attempt to reach it quicker. Since she was snatched from me, I've lost my sense of grace, my innate Time Lord poise that made everything look so easy for me. That part of me was sucked away, with my happiness, with my joy, with all that I prized in the world.

I reached where her door used to be, took a deep breath and turned towards it. But it was not there. I scrambled towards the wall, pressing it and pushing it and trying to find where the door was in a blind panic. I knew I was in the right place, I had found myself here countless times while she was sleeping, trying to get up the courage to knock and confess to her, or even just to sit with her, yet always bottling it at the last moment - and not just because I knew I wouldn't be able to enter.

I gave up my search, and sank down to the floor. Despair washed over me, and I buried my head in my arms. Curled up in that position, I just sat and let the thoughts filter though. How could her room have vanished? I knew the TARDIS had the power to change where things were, and how things looked, but to move whole rooms? It never did that, not unless there was a very good reason for it.

. . . . .

Eventually, I got up. I was exhausted, physically and mentally. I drifted to my room in a haze of desolation, no soul, no spark, just an empty, lonely little shell. As I opened my door, intending to drop onto my bed and sleep until the pain had passed, I sensed something had changed.

Her door. There it was. In the corner of my room, between my coat stand and my bookshelf. It looked just the same as always, the cheery yellow that she had insisted on painting it once she knew she was here for the long run. It was the only part she had allowed me to help with, claiming that I would just spoil it if she let me touch anything more difficult. I had to agree with her, I always was bad at painting.

I reached out, touched the handle, felt the cool metal underneath my hand. It occurred to me that this was wrong, I shouldn't be doing this. This was her room, her own private sanctuary, the one place where I couldn't disturb her. The rules had always applied to my room too, yet she did not seem to yearn to break them as I always had. Just because the rules weren't entirely made by us, didn't make them any less important.

A surge of hope swept over me. Irrational, heart wrenching, obsolete, yet hope it was. What was I hoping? That I would charge in and there she would be, just waiting for me? No, that would be impossible. There was no way I would ever see her again, that was just the law of the universe.

I grasped the handle tighter, pushing the doubts out of my mind. I was sure that she would want this, want me to find solace in what she left behind. I would want her to do the same.

For the first time since I gave her the room, the handle yielded to my touch. The TARDIS had obviously decided that it was right for me to be doing this, or why else would she have moved Rose's room into mine?

The door clicked, and swung open silently. I didn't realise I had been holding my breath, but as I finally set eyes on her little home from home I let out a huge sigh. I let her scent engulf me, enveloping me in its smooth timbre. Inhaling once more, I stepped over the threshold, to find what I had been looking for all along.

Her.

* * *

I originally wrote this as a one-shot, but I think I'd like to continue it. Thats why I've left it on a little cliffhanger for you! Please review, I'd love to know what you think of it (whether good or bad) and if I should expand it. Sorry for any typos or mistakes! Any other kind of ideas would also be very welcome!


	2. Look how clever she is!

Sorry it took so long! I am in the middle of my A2s, the most important exams so far, and I just simply haven't had the time! Sorry sorry!!

I'm amazed that people actually read this! Seriously, flattered beyond belief. Thanks so much!

Anyway, here we go...

* * *

_I stepped over the threshold, to find what I had been looking for all along._

_Her._

There she was, standing tall and proud by her bed, a grin on her face, solid and simply _there_. I grinned back at her. Of course she would do something like this; she always knows exactly the right thing to do.

Her hologram seemed to falter as I stepped towards it, my hand reaching out to touch the little box on her bedside table to activate it. I sucked in a deep breath, willing myself to calm. And I pressed the button.

"Hi Doctor!" she exclaimed, her static grin forming the words, her hands pulling back to her side. "Um, I'm guessing something went wrong, or you wouldn't be seeing this. Hmmm, was it my fault or yours? I'm sure it doesn't matter, we have more important things to chat about and I'm sure that any moment you're going to come sneaking round my door like you always do and throw me off balance!"

She faltered, her smile fading for a second. I paused the box, dragging in another huge breath. I couldn't believe that she would do this, make a recording for me of herself. How had she known how to do it? But more importantly, why had she done it? Did she know that our merry dance would end? The TARDIS must have helped her, I decided, that's the only way she could have done it.

I exhaled loudly and pressed the button again, ready for her to continue.

"So, I bet you're wondering why I made this! Well, after you disappeared into that pit I thought I'd never see you again. And then you came back to me! I always knew you would, but it got me thinking, what if we did get separated for good? And so I got the idea from that hologram you did for me, you know the one, when you sent me off back home before you regenerated. You really scared me you know! But back to the point, the TARDIS helped me do it. As bumpy as you make her, she really is a fabulous creature, and she showed me how to work it all. And so here I am!"

She paused again. I held my breath, wondering what would pour out of her wonderful mouth next. "I have something to tell you" she said, fiddling with the hem of her shirt, "and its something I should have told you a long time ago, but I know that you don't feel the same and that it would change everything and I just could never work up the courage and oh I'm rambling aren't I?!" She finished garbling, taking a huge breath.

"Look, Doctor, I know that if you're seeing this it means that we probably won't be seeing each other ever again." Rose spoke, slower now, thinking about each word. I could see it in her beautiful face, the hologram only slightly shimmering.

"So I need to tell you this. I need you to know this, because even though you can't possibly feel the same way it's just bursting to get out of me. You have to know; if I'm ever gonna feel happy with you wandering around all on your own, like a lost lonely angel. Because that's what you are, Doctor, an angel. My angel. And…"

She stopped, a lone tear trickling down her perfect face. I just wanted to reach out and brush it away, to take away her pain, to hold her in my arms and tell her that it would be alright, that everything would be fine and that she was safe. The hologram shimmered again as I reached out, reminding me that this wasn't Rose at all, it was simply her image.

I withdrew my hand, bringing in another shuddering breath. This is when I realised that the tears were coursing down my cheeks too. I brushed them hastily away, waiting for her to continue. She seemed to collect her thoughts for a moment, taking in a deep breath before continuing.

"I love you." The statement was strong, bold, and it shone from her. Her eyes glistened, her inner light shining through. I longed to sweep her into my arms, but I had to hold still.

"I always have, Doctor. From the very minute you grabbed my hand to drag me from the Autons, to when you danced with me in the middle of the Blitz, right through when you changed your face. I do miss the old you, sometimes, but then you grab my hand again, and we run, and I just feel free. I love you, and I want you to know that."

I paused the image again, taking in what she said. It was almost as powerful as when she said it to me on that God forsaken beach in Norway, in Bad Wolf Bay. I looked at her, the frozen image still and shimmering, and my hearts swelled.

How did I not tell her? Why did I not tell her every single day from the day I met her that she was amazing, beautiful, and that I wanted her just as much as she obviously wanted me? How could I have been so stupid as to let her slip through my fingers like that?

I pressed play again, anxious to hear what could possibly follow that revelation.

"So, yeah, that's about it. I've bared my soul to you! I hope you enjoyed it, because I'm not sure I could say it to your face." There was a knock on the door and Rose reacted, obviously caught.

"Oops, gotta go, that's you. You're taking me to see the London 2012 Olympics! Will it really be as good as you always say it is, or will we end up running for our lives again?" Another knock, louder this time. I remembered this, standing outside her door. I had wondered who she was talking to, and when she did emerge I vaguely wondered why her eyes were a little red. Now I knew.

"I'm coming I'm coming!" she shouted in the direction of her door. I briefly heard my chuckle, and knew that there mustn't be much left to see.

"Ok, as you can see you're very impatient! But you knew that already. I hope you don't ever have to see this, I really do. But I have the feeling that it would be important, and that I would regret not telling you. So this is my insurance! Well, um, I'm off, cya later!"

She leaned forward, and the image shimmered and died. I sank to the floor, trying to understand what had just happened. My hearts slowed, I just sat with my head in my hands. Suddenly, a noise jerked me up. The hologram had started again!

"Me again!" she squeaked, face flushed and looking like she'd just run from somewhere. "I forgot to tell you one thing, and it's not important but its just a little something. I keep my diary in the top drawer of my clothes chest, not that you could come into my room to find it anyway, but I hid it just in case! Thought you might like to read it if I'm no longer around. Also, your bum looks cute in this body, but you knew that already because of Cassandra! Gotta go, London awaits!"

I let out a burst of laughter, the first real laugh since she had been taken away from me. So this is why she suddenly charged back into her room before we stepped out of the TARDIS, claiming she had left her lip gloss. I knew that wasn't the real reason, she had some on already, but I didn't argue.

I clambered to my feet, seeing that there would be no more hologram as the red light winked at me. I walked across to her drawers, painted the same colour as her door, and smiled. I wonder what secrets her diary holds…


End file.
